I read a post on facebook today in which a woman claimed that attachment parenting was only for stay at home moms who are willing to devote every single second of their life to their child and that "busy parents" can't possibly perform such the daunting task that is AP. It made me think about what AP really is. Can you still be AP if you work or go to school full time? Can you AP if you are a single parent or if you are sharing custody? Can you AP if you don't breastfeed or bed share? The general answer is: YES!
AP isn't about spending all your time with your child, it's about spending quality time with your child when you are together and responding to your child's needs.
What AP is not:
AP is not spoiling or indulging your child.
AP is not about punishment and intimidation.
AP is not about being a doormat to your offspring.
AP is not about giving in and having no rules.
AP is not rigid.
AP is not about never getting a break.
AP is not about being a perfect parent or a martyr.
What is AP then?
AP is responding to your child's cries.
AP is setting limits and enforcing them with love and empathy.
AP is discipline.
AP is knowing when to say yes and when to say no.
AP is flexible.
AP is centered on respect and love and dignity.
Attachment Parenting International (API) lists eight principals of attachment parenting which: "is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children."
Their principles are:
"Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting
Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.
Feed with Love and Respect
Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.
Respond with Sensitivity
Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, and empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.
Use Nurturing Touch
Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or baby wearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.
Provide Consistent and Loving Care
Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.
Practice Positive Discipline
Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.
Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself."
Dr. Laura Markham raises a good point: "Occasionally (not often) I see parents who make their decisions based on some idea about what Attachment Parents "should" do rather than what their kids need.
Examples? A nine month old who really wants to be down on the floor exploring more often, rather than always in a sling, where his mom thinks he should be. A four year old who is allowed to hit her parents or siblings. A six year old who sleeps with mom (which is fine in itself, of course) while Dad feels there's no room for him in the bed. The idea that setting limits squelches kids’ spirits, or that expectations compromise kids’ integrity, that children don’t need rules and should be treated as small adults. As an attachment theorist, I can tell you that none of these examples are Attachment Parenting, because none are responding to the developmental needs of the child."
It is very important to point out that there are plenty of seemingly AP parents who do not follow the basic principles of AP. There will always be those who make attachment parenting look bad, but they are the exception, not the rule.
What else?
AP is a bit different for every parent. Some AP moms say that AP parents should also extended rear-face their child's car seats, should not vaccinate, should home school among other things, the simple fact is that AP is about responding to your child's needs with love and respect. In an ideal world no one would ignore their child's cries, circumcise, spank or yell, or let their children run amok. Most parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have, when you know better you do better, so if you don't fit this imaginary mold of what you think AP is about it doesn't mean you aren't a good parent. It is important to clear up this silly media driven idea that AP is about spoiling your children and letting them get away with murder. Love your children, play with them, teach them and let them teach you.
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